Navigating Roommate Relationships: Essential Tips for Young Adults with Autism and Learning Differences

Having a roommate can be one of the best experiences for every young adult as they transition toward independence. With all of the fun and excitement that comes with living with someone else, there are always some additional challenges when two people live together, especially for those on the autism spectrum or with a learning difference.

At the College Internship Program (CIP), we work closely with young adults to navigate the ins and outs of having a roommate. We offer roommate meetings to help create solutions within the apartment, teach coping strategies through our social skills sessions for when things get difficult, and work with our advisors to develop strategies to ensure that expectations are being set and followed.

The following 10 tips help neurodiverse college-age young adults manage stress and create positive living environments:

1. Set Clear Boundaries and Act Respectfully

One of the biggest issues among any roommates is feeling disrespected or taken advantage of. To avoid this, it’s crucial to set clear boundaries—whether it's about sharing food, bathroom schedules, or appropriate times to have guests over. Defining these boundaries on day one can prevent future arguments and hurt feelings.

Takeaway: Establish and respect personal and shared boundaries to maintain a harmonious living environment. Communicate your preferences early and often - before issues arise.

2. Set Communication Expectations

Living with anyone requires learning how to communicate effectively and understanding how the other person prefers to share feedback. Both roommates will come with their own assumptions about daily life, from how to wash dishes to bedtime routines. Setting expectations on communication can prevent misunderstandings.

Tips:

• Use a small whiteboard for short messages like “going to a movie, be back late” or listing chores.
• Share phone numbers for texting issues that may arise.
• Discuss preferred ways of communicating when not in the apartment.

Takeaway: Clear communication helps prevent conflicts and fosters a supportive living situation.

3. Establish Apartment Rules and Routines

Setting routines with your roommate can avoid frustrations and a messy apartment. Discuss how you will handle chores, grocery shopping, and maintenance issues. Writing out these routines can help remember each roommate’s responsibilities.

Takeaway: Develop a clear set of roommate rules of engagement which include quiet hours, how to manage having guests over, cleaning schedules, and other details to avoid potential conflict.

4. When in Doubt, Talk It Out

Challenges will happen, and you might feel overwhelmed when your roommate doesn't meet your expectations. Instead of bottling it up, set aside time weekly to discuss challenges or to ensure everyone is on the same page.

Takeaway: Regular check-ins, such as a weekly meeting to review the week ahead and open discussions prevent misunderstandings and build trust.

5. Do Your Part

Before pointing out your roommate's shortcomings, ensure you are doing your part to keep the living situation clean, healthy, and productive.

Takeaway: Leading by example fosters mutual respect and cooperation. 

6. Learn to Compromise

Sharing a space requires flexibility and openness to changes in schedules, routines, and expectations. Working together to find manageable solutions keeps the relationship positive.

Takeaway: Compromise is key to a successful and enjoyable roommate relationship.

7. Approach Issues with an Open Mind

Staying open-minded during conflicts is crucial. Remember, your roommate likely didn't intend to upset you. Approach issues with the intention to fix them and avoid further negativity.

Takeaway: An open mind and a problem-solving attitude reduce conflict and promote a positive living environment. Use formated feedback and active listening techniques to maintain productive problem solving. 

8. Create a Safety Plan

Be prepared for the unexpected. Develop strategies with your roommate for emergencies like fires, tornadoes, or hurricanes. Exchange emergency contact information to ensure you can reach out to loved ones if needed. Consider each others unique needs, establish a meeting point, and know who to call in the case of an emergency.

Takeaway: A well-prepared safety plan enhances security and peace of mind.

9. Ask for Support

When you encounter issues you can’t resolve, ask for help. We coach students to try solving issues themselves first and then seek assistance if needed. Sometimes a neutral perspective is necessary.

Takeaway: Seeking support when needed can provide valuable perspectives and solutions. Consider using the "Donkey Rule" to poll your trusted advisors!

10. Think Positive!

A positive attitude can significantly reduce stress. Encourage each other and treat each other with respect and kindness. Attempt to look at your self and your relationship from the outside, and try to avoid letting your emotions and reactions take over in stressful situations. Reframing obstacles into opportunities is a powerful way to find the good in almost any scenario. 

Takeaway: Positivity fosters a supportive and harmonious living environment.

Remember that once a young adult gains independence and begins living with a roommate, the stresses of everyday life can creep in. Preparing for those stressors and working together with your roommate in advance will help make those moments much easier to handle. At CIP, these tips are the foundation of creating a great living arrangement for all our young adults so that they can pursue their goals and dreams.