What does it really mean to enable versus support your student?
Generally speaking, enabling refers to the practice of over-helping, as in rescuing your student from uncomfortable or challenging situations without considering if they are able to handle it themselves.
When you support your student, you provide space for them to learn from their mistakes and build the necessary coping skills to handle life’s twists and turns. It is your job as parents and caregivers to provide positive encouragement along the path to independence but not to pave the road for them before they get there.
As a parent/caregiver of an individual with autism or a learning difference, you may have wondered whether you were enabling your child or supporting them through a challenging situation. At what stage do we allow our child to make their own decisions and choices even when we know they may not be the ones we would recommend?
If you are sending your student to The College Internship Program (CIP), or a similar post-secondary transition program for autism and learning differences, you are already demonstrating support for your student’s path toward independence. If your student is not quite ready to be away from home, you have a wonderful opportunity to prepare them for their next steps. Here are some ways to ensure you are not enabling your student, but recognizing their potential and trusting their capability as an independent adult.
To let go is not to enable; rather, it allows learning to come from natural consequences. Rather than finding your students solutions, try to be supportive and allow them to problem solve. Struggling to find their answers and solve their problems only creates anxiety and stress for both you and your student. Provide a few choice solutions for him/her to choose from. Guide the process and allow your student to problem solve with you as opposed to providing the answers first.
Before providing suggestions, ask questions regarding their situation.
Being flexible and learning how to change your expectations and standards is not an easy task. While your student is learning this skill, it is important to be a role model.
Reframe the issue so that a challenge is seen as a learning opportunity
The chronic stress that parents/caregivers of children with autism experience has been compared to the stress experienced by combat soldiers! This may not come as a surprise to the many parents feeling a level of stress that is not easily understood by family and well-meaning friends.
According to a recent survey of parents of children with autism, more than 80% reported sometimes being “stretched beyond their limits.” The three most stressful factors stated in the related article were: concern about long-term outcomes for their children, societal acceptance of the condition, and the limited social support received by parents.
It’s understandable for parents/caregivers to “overdo” for their children. It prevents stress in the short term but creates bigger problems in the long run.
It is for this reason that it is so important for parents/caregivers to take care of their own well-being in order to have the strength to be able to pause and ask the following questions:
It is also ok to say no. You have your own responsibilities, and your student is learning how to manage theirs. You have invested so much of your time, energy, and money to provide everything your student needs to be able to take that responsibility for themselves to the best of their ability. It is now time for you to focus on your needs and redefine your role as a parent of an adult.
As parents/caregivers, we all share the common goal of being able to launch our young adults successfully into the world. It can be a very scary time but with the proper foundational support versus enabling patterns of behavior, we could ensure the most positive outcomes in the future.
A parent's/caregiver's job is never truly over but the goal is for our children to be able to ask for the support they need when they actually need it, rather than expect that others will do for them. As a result, your young adult will feel safe to take risks and go out into the world to be the productive, happy son or daughter you know they can be. It takes time but with patience, an open heart and mind, everything is possible!